Operation Eight-Legged Freak
by ForASecondThereWe'dWon
Summary: Despite being nice enough to give a select number of interviews after Mysterio blew his identity, Peter Parker is continually hounded for more. When the media discovers he has a girlfriend, they go after her too. Until now, she's held back. Until now, they've been safe. Michelle Jones grants a single sit-down interview and, boy, it's a doozy.


**Author's Note:**

Based on the Tumblr prompt: 31. "Angel in the streets, freak in the sheets."

* * *

_Operation Eight-legged Freak is a go_, MJ texts Peter. She spies through the glass front of the coffee shop, searching until her gaze lands on the most reporter-looking person in there. Taking a deep breath, MJ centers herself and hauls the door open.

"Ms. Jeffries?" she asks, stopping at the table against the wall where a woman with decoratively oversized glasses is leaning too close to the screen of her laptop.

The woman straightens up and half-rises out of her chair with a hand outstretched.

"Miss Jones! Call me Elsbeth."

"Michelle."

As MJ shakes her hand, she focuses on clenching her teeth instead of her grip; the journalist's gaze is sliding all over her, sizing her up as she probably internally composes some filler for the article she's writing on Spider-Man's girlfriend.

MJ wills the potential descriptions of herself out of her head. Peter's been helping her practice that, reassuring her every time she comes up with a potential physical or character flaw that the press might hone in on. Of course, a significant portion of what he says is bullshit because he refuses to recognize anything about her as less than perfect. Dork.

"I'm just going to grab a drink," MJ says, pointing towards the short line to the cash register.

"Oh, no, that's on me. Or, rather, it's on the paper. What can I get you?"

"Um, just a latte. Thanks."

The woman gives her a phony smile and gestures for her to sit while she strides over to join the line. MJ takes the chair across from the open laptop and tries to relax into it. While she waits, she mentally goes over her and Peter's game plan. Texting him might comfort her, but Elsbeth will definitely be watching. Which adjectives will she use to paint her picture of how MJ sits, how she scans her surroundings? She can't worry about that. This interview is not about the reporter and MJ tells herself that she needs to remember how value she is.

Since the 'Peter Parker is Spider-Man' story broke, her boyfriend's been under a microscope. It didn't take a hell of a lot of time before the media found out he was dating someone and, though she hasn't told Peter this, MJ's planning unholy retribution against whichever little weasel at their school sold her out for a hasty buck. She suspects Brad. The attention now on her is the only thing keeping Brad's dick un-punched.

Peter's played nice―nicer than MJ would've in his place―in service of the super-persona the city knows and loves. Basically, he doesn't want to besmirch the good name of Spider-Man. He's made himself available for a limited number of interviews (decided upon with May's guidance), in and out of the suit, always patient and smiling. MJ hasn't been as accessible. As in, she hasn't done interviews. Any. At all. Between her boyfriend, herself, her parents, Peter's aunt, and Pepper Potts (who probably finds their exposure problems ridiculously easy to manage after years of wrangling Tony Stark), they determined that the best move was to withhold access to MJ. Now, being seen or used as an object goes against every belief she has, but this is a power move. They'd keep her as the queen among the pawns, the ace up their sleeve.

Turns out MJ isn't the ace. She's the joker.

The strategizing just seemed to go on too long and polite requests for Spider-Man interviews turned into microphones jammed in Peter's face and photographers slipping into Midtown tech pretending to be parents picking up their kids. So MJ and her super-nerd devised their own plan, quickly realizing her time had come to do her part in shaping the Spider-Man narrative.

Half of what the papers and blogs were publishing wasn't truthful, so MJ wouldn't be either. She would grant a single interview and fuck with the press so hard that they would see her as an unreliable source of information (and stop asking questions), be made incredibly uncomfortable by her unprintable answers (and stop asking questions), or maybe just confuse them to the point that they couldn't scrape together an article out of the array of utter shit she would present them with (and stop asking questions). The tabloid they picked out together for MJ's interview also happens to already be on the other side of credible, which helps with making every word she says to this woman essentially worthless.

Ah, here's Elsbeth with her latte.

"Do you mind if I record our conversation?" she asks, pulling her phone from her pocket.

"Please," MJ says. She forces herself not to smile because she'd probably hurdle over polite and go straight to looking maniacal.

The woman taps her screen the second she's set MJ's coffee on the crowded tabletop.

"I'd warn you away from drinking coffee so young," the woman says laughingly as she retakes her own seat, "but I guess you wouldn't be sorry to stunt your growth." MJ stares blandly back at her, gently swirling the mug, until she continues. "Because you're already taller than Peter."

She shrugs as Elsbeth quietly closes her laptop and slides the phone into place between them, eyes fixed greedily on her interviewee's face.

"He likes my legs." Before the instant spark of scandal in Elsbeth's eye can be transformed into a follow-up question, MJ adds, "I think it's a spider thing. Some kind of dark fetish as a result of him getting totally fucked by mutation. And you should call him 'Mr. Parker.'"

Wrong-footed, Elsbeth tilts her head in discomfort at having to apologize.

"Sorry, yes, that was a slip in professionalism―"

"No, because that's what I call him." Now she's just speechless. MJ raises her eyebrows like she's explaining this to a child. "When we're fucking." An unusually mature child. "Should I have said at the start that his fetishes are numerous? My bad, I've never been interviewed before."

It has now occurred to MJ that a liberal sprinkling of profanities through her answers can't hurt either. Can't hurt _her_. This interview's going to require more redactions than a copy of _Fifty Shades of Grey_ in a children's library.

"I... I..." Elsbeth covers herself (or thinks she does) with a quick throat clearing and a dainty sip from her own cup of coffee. "No, that's fine, I just normally like to begin with something more... general."

MJ sighs.

"I regret to inform you that Mr. Parker's tastes aren't really in the realm of general." She locks eyes with Elsbeth like she's confessing a big secret. "He's pretty fucking depraved." After a second of enjoying the flicker of horror across the woman's expression, MJ pretends to take pity on her. "Sorry, would you prefer if I call him Peter? You look uncomfortable."

The journalist is darting her eyes around now, but, as ever, MJ isn't speaking overly loudly and most of the customers of this place seem to get their drinks to-go; there isn't anyone sitting at the tables nearest to theirs.

"General questions," Elsbeth clarifies too late. "I meant general questions, about anything." Something behind her eyes is beginning to look delightfully haunted and this time, MJ allows herself a grin and nods like she gets it.

"Right. Well, I've known that Mr. Parker―sorry, _Peter_―was Spider-Man since before we started dating." Elsbeth visibly perks up because MJ knows what's coming out of her mouth sounds like the first usable information since she walked into this coffee shop.

"That's _fascinating_."

And she does sound fascinated. MJ reminds herself it's just the greediness behind getting a scoop, not legitimate interest in who Peter is as a human being or his many private sacrifices in the attempt to keep his secret before that dumb fuck Mysterio showed up.

"And," Elsbeth probes, feeling around in the bag at her feet before extracting a pad and pen for supplemental notes, "what was it that made think your classmate was moonlighting as an Avenger?"

MJ takes a long drink of her latte and glances contemplatively at the nonrepresentational art print hanging on the wall beside them.

"He's jacked as fuck."

Elsbeth, who mirrored her by going for a sip when she did, nearly chokes.

"Anything―" She coughs. "―about his personality? That would make you think he'd lead a double life risking life and limb for strangers?"

"Oh sure," MJ concedes easily. "Peter's kind of a nerd, but he gets along with everybody. You know, one of those people who can be casual friends with a kid in every social clique? People in the neighbourhood who know him as Peter Parker love him too. He's very nice." And then she drops the anvil. "Angel in the streets, freak in the sheets."

Really, Elsbeth should get into comedy. She's great at abruptly shifting her expression from relieved to panicked. Jim Carrey made a whole career out of his 'elastic face.' This woman should totally find an agent.

"Haven't you heard that expression?" MJ asks innocently, sliding two fingers through the handle of her mug slowly enough for Elsbeth to notice and potentially take as subliminal messaging.

"I've..." The woman trails off, lowering her pen again, and devolves her response into an awkward nod.

MJ laughs as though to herself. When she leans forward conspiratorially, planting her elbows on the table, the journalist flinches. She'd feel bad if the whole pack of media people in this city didn't suck ass. Peter's never done an interview with Elsbeth's paper, and for good reason: one of their photographers followed him around for a week trying to get a shot of him changing in an alley as if he weren't only seventeen years old. Yeah, today's interview is more than a little about MJ protecting her boyfriend.

"We do shit you've never heard of," MJ offers without being prompted. It doesn't look like poor Elsbeth's up to asking questions anymore. "In Peter's bed, a missionary's just a traveling priest and G-O-T stands for Game of Thrones, which we never catch up on because we're too busy tearing another page out of the Kama Sutra." She laughs like, _isn't this great? We're having girl time_. "Actually, I shouldn't imply that G-O-T has never stood for 'girl on top,' because Mr. Parker _does_ enjoy me riding his cock from time to time, but if we do that, I'm also wearing nipple clamps or I have my hands tied to a ring in the ceiling or something. That freak fucking loves his accessories."

She takes a tranquil sip of her coffee. It's actually pretty good and strong enough to keep her bouncing along through this interview. MJ respects an establishment that doesn't skimp on the caffeine in favour of a mountainous topping of whipped cream. She might actually come by here again sometime.

"Ok," Elsbeth says with sudden sternness, face contorted in a smile that hints she's trying to convince herself that, somehow, everything will be fine. "We've covered all my questions―" MJ nearly snorts coffee out her nose at this barefaced perjuring. "―so I'll just," she explains, shoveling her things into her bag, "give you a call if I need anything else."

MJ smiles as the journalist gets to her feet.

"Sure thing. I'd shake your hand," she says, looking up at Elsbeth from her chair, "but you don't want to know where mine have been. Or, if you do, that's something we can cover in that phone call."

The woman gives a nervous laugh and puts her palms up to ward off a handshake.

"No, that's... we're good. We're all set."

"'K, great."

"Thank you for your time."

The disturbed look mounts Elsbeth's face before she's completely turned away from MJ, which just adds to MJ's delight when she gets to call out to her.

"By the way," MJ says as the journalist turns, fight or flight likely seconds from kicking in judging by the tension of her stance. "You know I'm a minor, right? So publishing anything I just told you would look _pretty_ bad."

The woman probably suspected this in the rational part of her brain that MJ's spent the last half hour scaring into hiding, but she certainly looks irritated by the reminder.

"I guess you're right," she acknowledges tersely.

MJ nods to agree that, yes, she is 100% correct, and swallows the last of her coffee.

"Also, because I know you work for the kind of place that likes to share tip-offs with other scummy publications, I'd like you to feel free to spread the word that Spider-Man and his girlfriend are not to be fucked with. And neither is Peter Parker."

After the woman flees, MJ slumps back, hand shaking as she rotates her mug in its saucer. When the quiet grinding noise breaks through the pounding of the adrenaline-accelerated heartbeat in her ears, she reaches for her phone instead.

_Tell me how it goes_, Peter texted.

She's too jittery from confrontation and caffeine to sit any longer, so she pushes away from the table and calls her boyfriend instead, raising the phone to her ear once she's on the sidewalk with her hood pulled up; it'll take a little time for the warning to be distributed and, in the meantime, she doesn't want to be recognized. One interview was enough.

"MJ?" Peter asks from the other end of the line. "How was it? What happened?"

She's silent long enough to realize she actually isn't sure how to put it into words.

"I'll tell you everything when I see you, but there is one thing you should know right away."

"What is it?"

"I think I made up a sex position."

The truth―the real truth―is that they're seventeen, missionary has been a trusted friend, and MJ's only ever made brief eye contact with a copy of the Kama Sutra from across a display table at a bookstore. She hears her boyfriend inhale sharply before responding with obviously forced coolness.

"Oh yeah?"

"Mhmm. We're gonna try it." If her adrenaline's up, so is her bravado.

Peter fumbles his words, communicating nothing at first, then, "Why was that something I had to know right away?"

"Because," MJ says, straining to make out the signs above the upcoming storefronts, "I'm planning on stocking up at the sex shop in the next block and I need to know if we're going to have your apartment to ourselves when I get there."

* * *

**Author's Note:**

If you're a regular reader or my work, thank you! But also! Keep an eye out tomorrow for an announcement of my next multi-chapter AU story!


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